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Posted by: Noz187 Nov 6 2009, 04:59 AM

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp. Suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another and another........
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.'
'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'



















'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'

Posted by: strick9 Nov 6 2009, 01:58 PM

He he he good one

Posted by: Noz187 Nov 8 2009, 12:24 PM

or dont add yours....

ok heres another one..

hope this doesnt offend anyone.. it isnt intended to..

The second coming of Christ happens ( YaY) and Modern day Jesus wants to connect with modern day man, so asks his disciples to go out and score some recreational drugs......

Matthew brought back some fine Hashish ..
Luke brought back some fine Jamaican Sensimilla ..

John brought back some Coca..

and Judas............. (scroll Down )
























Judas brought back the fucking Drug Squad!!!

Posted by: ink-sink Nov 8 2009, 12:44 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...







"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Posted by: Nippyneedle Nov 8 2009, 05:47 PM

What did the Slug shout out to the Snail..................................BIG ISSUE

Posted by: THE CANNIBAL Nov 9 2009, 05:40 AM

The fatest ugliest meanest woman ever walks into a convenience store with two of the cutest kids you ever saw, the clerk at the counter says " cute kids, are they twins? " the lady says " no their not twins, ones eight and ones eleven, what are you stupid? " the clerk replies "no, i just can't imagine that anyone would fuck you twice! "

Posted by: THE CANNIBAL Nov 9 2009, 05:59 AM

A boy asks his dad to buy him a car, so the dad says " I have noticed your grades have been slipping a little lately, and your mother would like you to go to church more often, also your hair is getting pretty long . If you bring up your grades, start going to church more and get a haircut,we'll talk about it in a few months" a few months go by and the son say's to his father " dad, i'm doing like you asked i'm getting alot better grades in school and i go to church almost every sunday, will you buy me a car now? " the father says " Yes son i have noticed your grades and i'm very proud of you , and your mother is very happy about you going to church" the son says "will you buy me a car ? " the father says " But son part of our deal was that you also get a haircut" the son says "I know dad but i've been studying my bible alot and jesus had long hair " The father says " yes son i'ts true that jesus had long hair and if you noticed he had to walk everywhere he went"

Posted by: paul1979 Nov 10 2009, 01:07 PM

Heres a few for ya.....


Scientists have found that many women devlop dysons disease after a year of marriage. They make a continuous fucking whining noise and dont suck anymore....



Best engine in the world, the vagina. Its self lubricating, you can get it started with 1 finger, it takes any size piston and best of all every 4 weeks it does its own oil change! Pity the management system is so fucking tempremental........



Being british is about driving a german car to an irish pub for a belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an indian curry or a turkish kebab, to sit on a swedish sofa and watch USA shaws on a japanese tv. And most of all us being suspicious of anything foreign.



Only in britain u can get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance,
only in britain do banks leave both doors open but chain pens to the counter.
supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front....


A mans wife hits him across the head. He says "whats the for?" She says "ifound a piece of paper in your pocket with sexy sarah written on it".... Quick as a flash he says "thats the name of a horse i bet on today, you silly cow". She apologises. A week later she hits him with a frying pan!.. He says, "what the fuck was that for?".. She replies "YOUR FUCKING HORSE PHONED"

Posted by: MickeyC Nov 10 2009, 08:19 PM

a homo walks ito a gay bar,.... Wait you were there and saw the whole thing, forget about it....

Posted by: M.C.Escher Nov 11 2009, 03:08 AM

Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade?



















You cant Marmalade your dick in a girls ass

Posted by: strick9 Nov 11 2009, 04:09 PM

good ones

Posted by: paulengland Nov 13 2009, 06:28 AM

Circus Dwarf arrives at hospital to have a baby

Doctors asks wolud you like a boy or girl

Dwarf replies....... Dont give a fuck as long as it fits in a cannon

Posted by: SideShow Nov 16 2009, 01:22 PM

heres a couple for you guys.

i have more ill type out when i get a little more time.

enjoy.



Guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of 100 dollar bills so he asks the bartender “hey buddy, whats that big jar of 100 dollar bills?” and the bar tender replies, “well we have this wager, there are three things you have to do and if you do all three you get the whole jar” the guy replies “well what do you have to do?” the bartender points to a big ass son of a bitch acrossed the bar playing pool and says “you see that guy? You have to knock him out with one punch.” the guy says “oh that’s no problem” and the bartender says “that’s not all, downstairs in the basement there is this pitbull with a festered up tooth, you have to pull it out” the guy says, “I can do that” the bartender says, “that’s not all, you see that hooker down at the end of the bar?” and points to this really fat, gross ugly hooker, “you got to eat her out” the man replies, “oh fuck that, I don’t want no part in that.”

Time goes on the man sitting there drinking getting pretty loaded and he calls the bartender over and says “you know what, I think ill take that bet” walked over to the jar and threw in a hundred dollar bill walked acrossed the bar punched the big dude knocked him out cold, walks down to the basement, you hear snarls and growling and barking and then it goes quiet, then you see the man stumble back up the stairs, he looks at the bartender and says “now wheres that lady with the festered tooth”




There are two fish swimming in a stream, and right above the water there is a fly. One fish says to the other, “if that fly gets close enough to the water im going to jump up and grab the fly” well off to the side of the stream are two bears sitting on the bank, one bear says to the other, “if that fly gets close enough to the water and the fish jumps up to get the fly, im going to jump out and get the fish” behind the bears is are a couple hunters, one hunter says “if that fly gets close enough to the water and the fish jumps up to get the fly and the bear jumps out to get the fish, im going to jump up and shoot the bear.” Well right behind the hunters is a couple mice, one mouse says to the other, “if that fly gets close enough to the water and that fish jumps up to get the fly and the bear jumps out to get the fish and the hunter jumps up to shoot the bear, im going to run over and steal the cheese from the hunters sandwich.” Right behind the mice is a cat, and the cat says, “if that fly gets close enough to the water and the fish jumps up to get the fly and the bear jumps out to get the fish and the hunter jumps up to shoot the bear and that mouse runs over to get the cheese, im going to jump out and get the mouse.” a little time goes by, and sure enough the fly goes down the fish jumps up to get the fly, the bear jumps out to get the fish, the hunter jumps up and shoots the bear, the mouse runs over to grab the cheese and the cat jumps to get the mouse, misses completely and lands in the water. Do you know what the moral of the story is? (scroll down)










When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

Posted by: Noz187 Nov 16 2009, 02:32 PM

Jesus was on the cross.. he looks down at his deciples and says .....














scroll down...











" Dont touch my fookin easter eggs, il be back on Monday!! "

Posted by: poconosrob Nov 16 2009, 06:53 PM

QUOTE (Noz187 @ Nov 6 2009, 04:59 AM)

Posted by: poconosrob Nov 16 2009, 06:54 PM

QUOTE (Noz187 @ Nov 16 2009, 02:32 PM)

Posted by: mac_1au Nov 17 2009, 03:00 AM

the 2 twenty-five year old lesbian girls next door got me a beautiful watch for my birthday, I was a bit surprised and had to think for a bit before it dawned on me why!. When they asked me what I wanted for my birthday ,I said.............


V
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. "I wanna watch!"

Posted by: The Big Evil Nov 17 2009, 09:21 AM

Have you heard of the newest trend in lawns? Its called EMO grass. You never have to mow it because it cuts itself.

BADABING!

Posted by: SideShow Nov 17 2009, 12:22 PM

Whos that dude that always hangs around tattoo shops?

a piercer!

Posted by: bambi20 Nov 17 2009, 07:38 PM

what do you cal a virgin on a water bed?





















A cherry float
lol i know lame but i really luv that joke.

Posted by: Red Dirt Ink Nov 18 2009, 12:20 AM

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.'

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :
Please scroll down.

...

....

....

....

....

....


....

.....

....
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.


Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen
...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Posted by: poconosrob Nov 18 2009, 07:30 AM

QUOTE (Red Dirt Ink @ Nov 18 2009, 12:20 AM)